To start off I would like to personally thank the producers of 'The Bachelor' for not only finding the drunkest, oddest, youngest, oh yes I'm talking about that 21 year old going after our 33 year old bachelor, but all around craziest girls for this season. It has only been three episodes and it is as if we have gone through an entire season with the emotional breakdowns, tears and crazy that has taken place. Now there are some obvious front runners this season already and their names are Britt and Whitney. Britt is a waitress with beautiful brunette hair that seems to reach her ankles while Whitney is a spunky blonde fertility nurse with the most annoying voice on the planet. But this is not about them. This is about the crazies that live in the mansion with them. Now lets break this all down and tip our hats off to the producers. Man, they are good.
Tara made not one, but two moves out of the limo, and the moment she stepped out we knew there was something a little off. She made it clear that her three best friends are, "Jameson, Johnny Walker and Jack Daniels. Im a f--kin' train wreck." Someone please put that on a t-shirt. After seeing her almost pass out at the rose ceremony, everyone was 99% sure she was going home. Instead, Chris kept her and she cleaned up her act but it wasn't enough to keep the spark going seeing as she was gone week 2. She left in the true bachelor way-crying in the driveway about how she will never find love. Tara, you have the entire package to be featured on 'Bachelor In Paradise'. Producers, please if you don't stick her on that island you would be doing the fans a disservice. Where does she rank on the crazy scale? Not that crazy the girl just wants to get drunk and have a good time. Who can really blame her.
Well just look at that young face. She's down right adorable isn't she? She looks like she belongs on the poster for a sorority rush at a big school like Alabama. If you thought the same thing you are absolutely 100% wrong. Meet Mackenzie, the 21 year old single mom to her son Kale, yes Kale. At the young age of 21 she is just looking for a husband and a honorary baby daddy to her young son. She just made the cut to be on the show because lets face it, all these girls need to be drunk and of age. Although, I doubt they card at the Bachelor Mansion. Mackenzie got a first date early on and the entire thing looked extremely awkward. It was like watching Ashton Kutcher hanging out with one of Demi Moore's daughters-it is the same age difference. She asked Chris if he believed in aliens and just LOVES to talk and show pictures of her kid. Where does she rank on the crazy scale? Girl is just immature and has a very scary laugh so she's not that crazy.
No no thats not a long lost Kardashian sister you're looking at. That's just Ashley I. Last week she was really upset that Chris opted for a pool party instead of the regular cocktail party because she really really wanted to do her Kim Kardashian makeup look for the cocktail party. That alone should explain how this girl is. Ashley I. is also one of 2 virgins living in the house. Yes, not just one virgin but 2. Side note: Mackenzie is extremely jealous of that fact because she can't even lie about being a virgin. She has a kid...hello (Mackenzie's words not mine). Anyway Ashley I. is basically a ticking time bomb. She cries when she doesn't get her time with Chris and she is constantly thinking she is getting a rose on every single group date. Yeah girl, you scream front runner material. Where does she rank on the crazy scale? She's pretty up there. Anyone who is truly going after any look by Kim K definitely has a lot of pent up crazy.
What you can't tell from this photo is that this chick is jacked. Jillian is a news producer but what she forgot to mention is that she works out more then any juice head. Her muscles may be bigger then Chris'. Jillian has the crazy eyes and laugh and she looks at Chris like she wants to eat him. The running joke of the season is apparently Jillian's hairy ass. When Jordan, another drunk this season, got well...drunk, she reveled that Jillian has a very hairy ass. The producers took that little fact, true or not, and ran with it. Now whenever Jillian is shown with short shorts or a bathing suit there is a huge black bar over her ass. Also during one rose ceremony, she thought Chris called her name. She started walking over proudly only to find out halfway there that he actually called over someone else. Girl slipped on the rug, fell, and let out a terrifying laugh that would make any small child cry in fear. Where is she on the crazy scale? Extremely high.
Remember how people have said you can tell how crazy someone is because you can see it in their eyes? One look at Ashley S. and you know this bitch is off her rocker. Ashley S. has taught us all that people are like onions and you need to peel them back layer by layer. If you would like Ashley S. to explain this to you first hand, check out her explanation here. A fun fact about Ashley S. is that on her bucket list she wants to run through the sunflower fields while also riding a horse. Also during a group date where the girls went on a zombie killing spree Ashley S. she believed that she was hunting actual zombies. Zombies are fictional, but to Ashley S. she views them as life or death. There is really no way to fully explain how crazy this girl is. The only way to find out is to watch this video from the zombie date. Where does she rank on the crazy scale? She needs treatment, actual treatment. But she continues to get roses. Yeah, she's the wifey type.
Think of any awkward encounter you have ever had in your life...now times it by ten and that equals just how awkward The Bachelor season finale was. No one was more happy then me to see this season bid a farewell. Juan Pablo started off as the care free, adorable, charming, hot Venezulean man. Now, he is the most hated man in America for his actions in the past few weeks and after last nights finale he is the most hated bachelor in the show's franchise.
The three hour finale can be summed up in one phrase, "What the hell is going on?" The ladies met Juan Pablos parents where they gave each of them a fair warning that their son has a temper and his mother told Clare that he has made her cry. A grown woman is telling the woman her son is dating that he made her cry. It was as if she did not want her son to come out a happy man in all of this.
On the topic of being rude, the biggest story of the finale was when the cameras weren't rolling. Oh how convient, the cameras aren't rolling so this is the perfect time for Juan Pablo to whisper dirty nothings into her ear. Clare was appalled and she could not believe that those words even came out of his mouth. What was said? We will never know. She of course confronts Juan Pablo about what he said during their last final date and he told her that she took that the wrong way. He basically turned it around on her, and at first she was not having it. But she loves Juan Pablo and fell under his spell again. No, he's a jackass you up and leave him right then and there. But we all have to remember we are dealing with the woman who supposedly had sex with him in the ocean. This bitch was never going to leave willingly.
Nikki on the other hand felt really good about Juan Pablo during their final date, but this guy just causes the water works time after time. Nikki starts crying because she did not get the reassurance that she needed from him. Nikki, girlfriend, this is when you run.
Now my favorite part of the season is when Neil Lane shows up. Every year he shows up and is always there to hand out a beautiful ring. Not only is Juan Pablo possibly the worst bachelor ever, but he deprived me of seeing Neil Lane this year. Is this a joke?
So did he even get a ring?
Clare was the first one to walk up to Juan Pablo in a forest and she was so certain that she was walking up to see her husband. She gets there and she talks about the good times they have shared, yada yada yada. Then Juan Pablo tells her that she is an amazing girl but he needs someone who is right for him and that he needs to let her go. He then plastered on, "Lets hug it out bitch" face.
Juan Pablo, this is the woman who you had sex with in the ocean and you are tossing her out like yesterdays garbage. Clare, who we all know is one crazy bitch and has been the center of this season's drama, did a complete 180 in this moment. Juan Pabs went in for the hug and then this happened...
DISSED JUAN PABLO!! Crazy Clare happens to have a back bone and spoke for every woman in America when she gave her bitter, hurtful speech to Juan Pablo after she was rejected. He whispered to her, "Tell me." That was a loaded question. "During our last one-on-one date I needed that reassurance and I gave you the opportunity right then because I have been scared to death." Oh Clare, this is a reality show about dating a douche bag. The only thing you need to be afraid of is looking like a fool, which you have. But then, she surprised all of us.
She then rattled off how Juan Pablo said he could see himself in her home town of Sacramento and how he could see them having babies together, you know really nauseating stuff, and Juan Pabs nodded his head in agreement. She then explained how Andi and Sharleen left because the feelings were not there and that she told him through this entire experience that if he did not feel it with her, that he needs to send her home. The son of a bitch did not do that. She told him that she lost all respect for him and then walked off, but not before getting the last word in. She stopped, turned to him and then said, "I thought I knew what kind of guy you were but I don't. I would never want a guy like you to be the father of my children." And that folks is how the best goodbye in Bachelor history was born.
Now Juan Pablo basically got his ass handed to him by crazy Clare and how does he choose to act? Like the true douche bag that he is. As Clare is walking away, Juan Pablo smiles and then says this, "Glad I didnt pick her!" Everyones jaw had to be on the ground at this point.
So now Nikki is left to get the final rose and an engagement ring. This is how this show works, two people fall in love, get engaged, and then break up in 4-6 weeks. Its a simple process people why not follow it. Nikki arrives and Juan Pablo kisses her immediately. She then does the same thing Clare does which is talk about how wonderful and how amazing he is and how she is so in love with him. Then its Juan Pablos turn to speak. He tells her that he has an engagement ring but he is not going to use it. He tells her that is is not 100% sure he wants to propose to her, but he is also 100% sure that he does not want to let her go. Yeah, thats what every woman wants to hear. Of course during this entire dumb speech, this is Nikki's face...
And then...as if this entire thing could not get anymore painful....Juan Pablo tells her that, "I like you. A LOT!" Im sorry, what? Nikki clearly looked pissed and dissatisfied with the entire ordeal and if I was her I would have up and left. I was waiting for her to leave him and say that if he is not 100% sure then its time for them to leave. Oh no, Nikki the Nurse took the rose and that half ass speech and stayed with him.
In true Bachelor tradition, after the finale comes After the Final Rose. We all know what this consists of and after that finale I was on the edge of my seat to see what would happen next. Juan Pablo is a wild card and the biggest douche on the planet. Anything was possible.
The first guest out was Clare who looked happy. She said that it still stings a little to think about what happened back then, but she is in a great place in her life and has no regrets. Chris Harrison asked her if she would want to speak to Juan Pablo to have closure and answers and Clare surprised all of us again when she said no. She got closure in St. Lucia after she laid him out and has nothing else to say to him. Crazy Clare did not live up to her name, and while that is a huge step it was a little disappointing. Those two should have gone head to head it because would have made for great TV. Oh, but don't worry drama seekers. Those two not going head to head was no loss. In fact, two other people went head to head that will forever go down in the most awkward After the Final Rose to date.
After Clare, Juan Pablo was the next person to take the hot seat. Chris Harrison immediately asked him if he had any regrets after looking back at the tapes and seeing how everything unfolded. Juan Pablo then began to calculate how many hours he was on the show, 600 hundred if you actually care. Chris Harrison then tried to change the question but Juan Pablo took that as Mr. Harrison talking over him and apparently you can't do that. Juan Pablo then interrupted Chris Harrison and then said, "Can I talk?" The live audience lost it and they all had a collective, "Oooooo!" This is Chris Harrison, not one of the ladies. No one speaks to Chris Harrison that way. Chris Harrison then brought up Clare and Juan Pablo said that it was private. This is The Bachelor. You "swam" in the ocean on primetime television, yet everything else is private. Oh please.
He then said that the last night in St. Lucia he was not sure what he wanted to do. Honestly it would not surprise me if this guy just flipped a coin and was like, "Oh Nikki the Nurse. I like her. Eh, ess okay!" Speaking of Nikki the Nurse, she was left in St. Lucia with a rose but without a ring nor an I love you. So how does she feel now?
Nikki told Chris Harrison that they have been really happy and that she is still in love. And then he asked the pressing question if Juan Pablo was in love with her and she said, "I don't know." Nikki tried to dance around it saying that she knows he loves her because he expresses it in different ways, but Chris Harrison asked if he ever said that he loves her and Nikki just sat there with this face...
Not exactly? What in the hell does that mean? She told Chris Harrison that his actions speak louder then his words. Bottom line, he has never said those words to her. That final rose was five months ago and he still hasn't said it? Nikki was just looking like a fool. Nikki tried to justify that he would not be there if he did not care about her. Fine girl, but come on. This sounds ridiculous.
Nikki's man then came out on stage and we saw the two together for the first time and I speak for everyone when I say we wanted her to break up with him right there. But instead they just looked like this...
Chris Harrison asked him if he loves this girl next to him and he said that he was just not going to answer that question. Juan Pablo then said that him and Nikki are so done with the show and they are both thankful for this experience and how they just want to have a private life and go get a burger together. Chris Harrison was not going to let them off the hook that easy! Juan Pablo said that he was trying to explain himself earlier, but Chris interrupted him earlier and then he got a collected "Booooo" from the audience.
Chris Harrison then opened it up to the panel of Bachelor alumnus and everyone's favorite guy, Sean Lowe, put it out there bluntly. He said that him and Juan Pablo are obviously different people, but when he found Catherine and knew that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her and that he loved her he could not wait to tell everyone. Juan Pablo said that he respects his opinion, but they are not the same and he did not propose to Nikki out of respect for her father. Whatever you say there Juan Pabs.
Chris Harrison then explains to Juan Pablo what this show is about, slowly I might add, remember English is his second language. He explained that this show is all about two people finding love and being happy. Apparently Chris Harrison was wrong because Juan Pablo explained to him that, "The show is about somebody, finding somebody and being happy and falling in love." Thats the same thing, but whatever. Then Chris Harrison asked again, this time a little frustrated, "Did you find that? Are you happy?" Juan Pablo said that he is happy and that, "Look, [motioning to Nikki] I am happy, I am four months happy." Then Chris Harrison basically jumps out of his chair and says, "I have no idea what I am looking at!!" During that entire conversation Chris Harrison made this face...
Chris Harrison is so used to people jumping on couches saying they are in love and having an After the Final Rose that basically writes itself. But Juan Pablo gave him nothing. He just sat there as Nikki looked like a battered woman controlled by her man. It was the Juan Pablo show, even though he was not giving his audience anything. Chris Harrsion said that this whole conversation is awkward because Juan Pablo is not saying anything. In response to that Juan Pablo simply says, "I respect you." Chris Harrison throws it to a commercial and then this happened...
After they come back from commercial, Chris Harrison has just about had it with Juan Pablo and his douchey acts on his show, so he decides to do this. "Welcome back to The Bachelor, After the Final Rose with two people who are clearly in love." Laughter erupts in the studio because Chris Harrison is a badass and everyone is over these two.
Chris Harrison asked Nikki how long she would give Juan Pablo if he has not said that he loves her and she said, "I wouldn't put a time limit on it." Nikki looked like a robot. Juan Pablo definitely told her what to say and how to say it. He's abusive and I am giving this relationship all of two weeks. Chris Harrison asks them where they are going to live and what they are going to do and Juan Pablo tells him that they are thinking about it. So Chris Harrison was like, "Well, are there any plans?" Juan Pablo said that it was private...Jesus God. Give us something.
Leave it to Sean Lowe to be blunt and he told Juan Pablo, "I hate to burst your bubble but nothing is private. It will continue."
Chris Harrison had enough and told them, "Im going to say congratulations...I hope. You have smiles so...good on ya!" Everyone laughs and then Chris Harrison breaks, "12 years I have been doing this show and this is a Bachelor first. Easily."
Juan Pablo obviously has deep rooted issues with Chris Harrison and production and he took that out during After the Final Rose. Everyone, including myself, who has basically wasted two months watching this was left disappointed yet slightly satisfied because what happened made for great live television. I'm thinking that he will never be invited back for Bachelor events...just saying.
In the words of Chris Harrison, "Why not do this again?" Badass district attorney from Atlanta, Andi Dorfman, is our new Bachelorette! While the announcement is no surprise, her season is sure to be a lot more entertaining then what ever the hell this was. Any girl who can stand up to a man for being rude, inconsiderate and over all an asshole is alright in my book! The season starts May 19th!
After meeting the women's families, Juan Pablo brought the girls to the beautiful island of St. Lucia. While St. Lucia served as a beautiful back drop to fall in love, it also served as the perfect backdrop for Juan Pablo to get a rude awakening.
Clare was the first one to get one-on-one time with Juan Pablo this week. In typical Clare fashion she could no stop gushing about how this is her life now. "If you told me a year ago I would be here in St. Lucia falling in love with the man of my dreams I would have told you you were crazy!" Oh Clare, I believe the crazy one in this sentence is you. Juan Pablo stuck her on a speed boat and the two sailed over to a yacht. Clare was immediately thrown back in time to Vietnam when the two of them "swam in the ocean" and she was apprehensive about returning to the water with Juan Pablo after past events. Leave it to Juan Pablo to tell her that everything will be okay. Side Note: Juan Pablo saying "Its okay" will become a recurring theme this week. They then talked about her crazy hometown date where Juan Pablo raved about her family the whole time. Seriously dude?
The sun set and the two had a dinner that was accompanied with a card from Chris Harrison. Juan Pablo gave Clare the fantasy suite card and after Clare read it aloud she asked him if he was sure about this. After the way he treated her about swimming in the ocean and how inappropriate it was I don't blame her for asking him again if he was okay with this. Openly spending the night with a woman on national TV is not a trait of a role model. Juan Pablo told Claire that what happened in Vietnam is different to where they are now. This is week 8 and he is not playing anymore games. If he wants to spend the night with someone he's going to do it. Clare of course was on board and the two retreated to the fantasy suite. As Clare talked about how she is falling in love with him he looked like he could have cared less. These two really only have a physical attraction and nothing else. Even though Clare is crazy, this date was just dry. Im sure these two, "swam in the ocean" again that night.
Juan Pabs had a good night with Clare, but he was quickly shifting gears to Andi who was his next date. Andi has been my girl since the beginning. She is so classy, down to earth and smart. She is someone who is way to smart to be affiliated with a show like this, but here she is. Juan Pabs took her to the streets of St. Lucia where a festival was taking place. The two played drums, talked awkwardly with little kids, played a game of pick up soccer with those kids, drove a land buggy and ended up at a water fall. Throwback to their first date anyone? Reminder, their first date was about three weeks ago. We are working on bachelor time people.
At the waterfall Juan Pabs and Andi talked about her family and the two were giddy. They had a definite connection and he seemed more comfortable and playful with Andi then he did with Clare. Andi is a go with the flow girl and Juan Pablo loved that about her. After they dried off from the water fall the two went to dinner where Andi expressed her concerns with fitting into his life and Camilla's life. Juan Pablo explained to her that he understands her concerns and that he always listens to everything she says. Andi agreed to the fantasy suite and she expressed how they had the perfect day and that she is, "on cloud 9!"
Well that cloud 9 mentality went to shit the next morning when Andi was running for exit door of the fantasy suite. As it turns out Juan Pablo is just a selfish, sexist, immature douche bag behind closed doors and Andi immediately realized that this was not the guy for her. A woman who the day before said that she was on her way to falling in love with him had a change of heart and no longer wanted to be near him. To Andi the fantasy suite was horrific, but if you ask Juan Pabs he will tell you that they had a fabulous time filled with cuddles and laughs. He really likes Andi and he said that she could definitely be his wife. Ha, oh Juan Pabs!
The producers stuck Andi on a deck overlooking the beautiful island of St. Lucia as she continued to talk shit about el bachelor. She expressed how everything was about him. If she was about to talk about something from her past he immediately turned it around on him and told her stories about him. Apparently Juan Pabs likes to name drop people he has met through his job and did not care at all what Andi had to say. During her time looking off into the distance she came clean and said that she is not in love with him and that she will never be in love with him. She wants to leave, but she wants to tell Juan Pablo a few things before she does. During this entire speech America as an audience finally found a real person on this show. We have all dated assholes but not all of us do it on television.
As Andi continues to simmer in her newly found hatred for el bachelor, Juan Pablo picks up Nikki The Nurse for the final date of the week. Juan Pabs tells the cameras that he has no complaints with the other two girls. He spent all day seeing Clare in a bathing suite, literally thats all he had to say about their time together, and how spending time with Andi just gets better and better. After giving his review of the other two women, Juan Pablo was packing up a picnic basket as Nikki The Nurse emerged from the woods looking like a slutty Pochahantus. Don't believe me?
This is The Bachelor and every season there is at least on date that involved horses and this is the date. Juan Pabs and Nikki The Nurse rode horses along the coast and down to the beach. It was here that Juan Pabs was making jokes about Nikki loosing her top or her pants and basically how he wants her to ride horseback naked. No woman really wants to hear that Juan Pabs, but Nikki took that joke as them just being comfortable with one another. What ever you have to tell yourself Nikki.
They rode their horses down to the beach, drank some champagne and then frolicked in the ocean. Mere child's play.
At dinner they talked more about the future and then Juan Pabs gave Nikki the fantasy suite card and she accepted. Once they were in the fantasy suite Nikki told him that she loved him and all Juan Pablo did was kiss her numerous times. That is all this guy does with the ladies. Usually we see more of a connection between two people this close to the final rose, but its all the same stuff we have seen the past 8 weeks. Snooze.
You always know shit is about to hit the fan when Chris Harrison shows up. He talked to Juan Pablo about how he feels about all of the women and how sometimes the language barrier can be a bit of an issue. Juan Pablo assures Chris Harrison that he really likes all of these women. He is then shown video messages of all of the women pouring their hearts out to him and recanting all of the great times they have had together. GTs ladies!! The final video that was shown was Andi. Andi told him how she wants to talk to him about a few things that do not belong in a video message. Juan Pablo walks away from the TV screen while the camera cuts to Andi walking up a hill with her game face on.
Juan Pabs thinks that Andi just wants to get some feelings off of her chest and he believed these were good feelings. Wrong buddy. So so wrong. He greets Andi with a soft kiss and Andi wasted no time getting right into things. She began to tell el bachelor that the fantasy suite date did not go the way she thought. She then asked him how he thought it went and he told her he thought they had a great time. Andi then told him how he was rude and disrespectful and the way he treated her is not how you treat someone you care about.
Andi then threw a bomb at him: "I don't love you and I will never love you." What was Juan Pabs response? "Ess ohhkay." No, its not okay. She then continued to lay into him saying that he never asked her one thing about herself the entire time in the fantasy suite, it was all about him. And then he reminded her that he had an overnight date with Clare the night before. Juan Pablo told her that he was just being honest in which Andi tells him, "There is a difference between being honest and being an asshole!"
Like a normal person who is about to get engaged to someone, Andi wants hint to know about what religion she practices, her political beliefs, how she wants to raise her kids and where she stands on social issues. Juan Pabs tells her that he did not know any of those things. Andi felt that he never wanted to get to know her and how its not okay to brush somones feelings under the rug. Juan Pabs, like every other man, turns it around on Andi and tells her that she should have spoke up and said something in the fantasy suite but she didn't. In order to try and trick Andi, Juan Pabs asks her what religion he practices. Without any hesitation she said Catholic. Bam! Lawyered.
Andi then brought up another conversation they had in the fantasy suite about how Andi barely made it to week 8 and how Juan Pablo said that she got there by, "default." Default? Default? The pretty boy continued to tell Andi that he never said that word because it is not in his vocabulary. He doesn't even know 'whats thats means'. The not knowing English was cute the first few weeks, but come on Juan. These ladies have taught you plenty of words cut the act.
Juan Pablo told her that he respects her and continued to tell her "ess ohhkay." Andi was not going to let him have an easy way out. She told him that its actually not okay to treat people like that and that he is wrong. She told him that she is going to leave and he walked her to the van to take her back to the states. Juan Pablo said that he would never fight with a lawyer, but we all know thats just a huge cop out. She stomped him anyway. Andi still felt secure in her decision to leave and continued to tell the cameras that he just doesn't get it. Its not a language barrier, its just him not being a good person.
Now, what did we all just learn from this? We learned that in the ten plus years on this damn show we finally watched a woman see through an asshole, call him out on it, then leave a show and take back her life. Andi will forever go down in The Bachelor books as the classiest, normal, badass woman to ever grace the show. Andi got out early, but Nikki and Clare are still left to deal with the man who is hated by America more and more every week.
Clare and Nikki were the ones who won by default in the end. Juan explained to them the reason why Andi left and while Clare was ready to gloat, Nikki was pissed. Andi was her best friend there and she was in disbelief that she left. At this point I want Juan Pablo to end up with Clare because two crazy stupid people deserve each other. Nikki still has some normal in her.
Next week its The Women Tell All where all of the women bring up their problems with el bachelor and with each other. Here is to hoping these two next weeks fly by. Im ready to said adios to el bachelor.
For another bonus video this week, Jimmy Fallon is at it again when he has The Roots reenact the fight between Andi and Juan Pablo. Take a look
Its hard to believe it is that time of year again...Bachelor hometowns. Now in the past we have seen some normal families and some not so normal families. This season however offered only one crazy family and it is not hard to guess who's family it is.
Before we get into the crazy, the first normal family we saw was Nikki The Nurse's. Juan Pablo was transported to Kansas City were Nikki stuffed him with BBQ and then made him get on a mechanical bull. Real smart there Nikki. As she watched her man buck around on the horse Nikki The Nurse contemplated the idea of telling Juan Pablo that she was in love with him. "Even though I can't say it out loud. I do trust my feelings," Sorry Nikki we have all heard this line before.
Now enter the Ferrel family who welcomed Juan Pabs with open arms. Nikki introduced him to her mom, her dad, and her two hot younger brothers. During dinner we also learned another fun fact about The Bachelor franchise: Juan Pabs flys first class to all destinations while the sorority sisters bum it in coach.
After telling the parents about their international excursions, like any good girlfriend of the bachelor, Nikki begins to explain to her mother how even though it has been a short amount of time everything feels so natural. And like any good mother would, Nikki's mom pointed out that a mental attraction is just as important as a physical attraction. Nikki's mom told her she just wants to be happy and she seemed totally on board with the whole situation. No Nikki's mom, you need to grill her more! Juan Pabs then sat down with Nikki's dad and told him how her and Nikki's connection is just, "Eaze!" For those who still have a hard time understanding Juan Pablo's words he said the word easy. He just adds a Z where an S should be. This was cute the first few weeks, but this act is starting to get old. Nikki's dad tells Juan Pabs that he trusts his daughter and that she will make the right decision and they will be on board with whatever they decide. Come on, where is the parental disapproval? Alright, bring out the hot brothers! It would have at least spiced that night up.
When Nikki walks Juan Pablo out to the car after meeting the parents she is still hesitant to tell him that she loves him. The two spend time on the front porch kissing like teenagers, and then the car starts up and Juan Pablos eyes dart over to look at the car. He looks like he is ready to kick it out of the Ferrel house! Nikki walks him to the car and does not tell him that she loves him. She is disappointed in herself and we are disappointed because the first twenty minutes of hometowns was a huge snooze fest.
Juan Pablo stayed in the south to see Andi who lives in Atlanta Georgia. Andi explained to him that he had her do some crazy things such as soccer, karaoke, and dancing. I am sorry thats not anything crazy, thats like my Friday night. The district attorney needs to get out more. But seeing as though he "made" her do all of those things, she in return gave him something crazy to do which is going to a shooting range. Thats right, nothing screams the south more then right to bear arms.
As if Andi could not be anymore bad ass then she already is, she owns a gun better then any guy. She did not miss one shot and was so excited for her man to try it out. Sadly Juan Pablo can only play soccer. This guy can not shoot a gun to save his life. On top of that he was shaking like a leaf to have a gun in his hand. Man up Juan!! Andi told him that she can not take him home to meet the family if he can not shoot a bullseye. By the time Juan Pablo got one the day was half over, there was maybe two hours left for him to meet anyone in her family. Not gonna lie, watching el bachelor miss shot after shot was kind of a turn off. But he tried so that counts.
As soon as Andi brought Juan Pablo home the tension immediately started. Her mother, her sister and her brother in-law all greeted Juan Pabs with open arms. Everyone besides her dad who is named Hy. As in, "Hy how ya doin?" Andi and Juan Pabs recanted for her family all of the dates that they went on together, but they were all group dates. Hy, already a few drinks in, seemed disgusted that Andi did not get a one-on-one date until recently. Yeah Hy, you and everyone else is disgusted about that. It was then in an interview that Hy gave a line that was laced with whiskey and sarcasm that basically sums up the entire show in one sentence. He said, "Im looking at two people who are a little infatuated with each other. I see that she likes him a lot, but he might be infatuated with her and with the three other girls on the show!" Bam! Right on the money there Hy. "Up until now its all fun and games. They are running around the world. She's one attractive girl and he's an attractive guy with three other girls!"
During Juan Pab and Andi's mom conversation it seemed like Andi's mom was feeling Juan Pabs and Juan Pabs was feeling Andi's mom. The two began to flirt about their dancing skills. Look out Andi, your mom may be moving in on your man. A five women competition may be on the horizon. When Juan Pabs sat down with Andi's dad, however, he wasn't able to flirt his way to approval. When Juan Pablo asked her dad for a blessing Andi's dad did not give it to him. He told Juan Pablo that he will only give approval to a guy who says that his daughter is the one and only woman for him. He told him when all of this is said and done and Andi is the one at the end they will have this conversation again. It was here that Hy became my favorite parent to ever be on the show. Andi kissed Juan Pablo goodbye and she reveled that she is very close to falling in love with him.
Juan Pablo's next stop was to see House Mom Renee in Sarasota, Florida! Renee was excited to see Juan Pablo, but what she was more excited about was to be reunited with her son Ben whom she hasn't seen in weeks. Ben ran up to his mom dressed head to toe in his baseball gear. He will be a heartbreaker one day no question about that. Juan Pablo then starts talking to Ben like they were old buddies and Ben was not having it. Sure, he was polite but even at 8 years old he knows that he his mom can do better then this guy. Renee and Juan Pablo spent time at Ben's baseball game where Renee looked so happy. Its the simple things like watching her sons little league game with the man she is in love with that make Renee's world go around. "I don't want this game to end!" Renee told the cameras with a giggle. Sorry honey, its gonna end.
After the game, Renee brings Juan Pabs back to meet her family and it is here that we are introduced to Renee's mom and dad and hot brother. Seriously what is up with all of the hot brothers of these girls, damn. Id rather watch them then Juan Pablo. Renee spends some time with Ben while Juan Pablo gets to know her family. Renee's mom asked all the right questions and Juan Pablo gave her the right answers. You could tell that even during that short time with Juan Pablo Renee's mom knew that this guy was not for her daughter. The House Mom's mom seemed like a no bullshit lady and I liked that about her. What I especially liked is that Renee comes from a normal family. No one is weird, uncomfortable or slightly drunk. This is a whole lot of normal which is a nice change of pace for this show.
Renee revels to her mom that she is, "Totally madly crazy in love with Juan Pablo." Oh lord. Her mom told her that she just wants her to be happy. Renee also expressed that her parents have been right about every guy she ever brought home. Telling her daughter that all she wants is for her to be happy was a cop out. Her mother knew that this spanish speaking dumb dumb is not for her daughter. Like Nikki, Renee failed to tell Juan Pablo that she loved him once he left her house.
Hometowns are supposed to be filled with drama, disapproving parents, crazy siblings and maybe a few tears. While we got a small taste of disapproving parents in Andi's hometown date, we didnt anything else on that list. Who better to fulfill all of our desires then the crazy ass herself, Clare. Thats right, we all know that she just didnt fall out of a crazy tree and then began her journey through life. People are responsible for nurturing that woman and we are finally introduced to the gang of people who did just that.
Clare began her hometown date by taking Juan Pablo to the park where she talked some more about her dad. This time, however, even crazy Clare can bring a small tear to a viewers eye with another dad story. This time it was about how her father would never dance at her wedding. He told Clare to pick the song that she wanted and that they will dance to it before he dies. He kept his promise and did just that for his daughter. The story is extremely sad and heartwarming at the same time. Even though Clare is nuts and uses an excuse to tell a dead dad story any chance she can get, her dad seems like a nice normal guy. Clare then explains how she sees qualities in Juan Pablo that her father had. Clare, there is no way those two are parallel in anyway. Your dad seemed great, this guy, he's meh!
When they arrive at Clares home Juan Pablo is introduced to Clares sisters, there are a lot of sisters who added nothing to the date, her brother in-law and her mother. Now there are a lot of sisters but Clare only cares about her sister Madelyn's opinion. Yeah, have fun with that little fact at Christmas dinner. Take that other sisters. Clare of course talked about how wonderful and magical he is and Madelyn totally went along with it. The only problem is you can't bullshit all the sisters.
Before we board the crazy train lets play a game. Its called Is That Her Grandmother or Her Mother?
Honestly took me a good three minutes into this conversation to realize that the silver haired lady is not her grandmother but Clare's actual mother. The lady in the green is her sister...um what? She looks like she is in her mid sixties. The lady in the green is named Laura and she is seemed like the spokes person for their mother. Laura informs Clare that she understands that she is happy but they are in no place to give a blessing on an engagement. In which Clare asks, "You wont give a blessing or Mamma doesn't want to give it?" Oh yes, they call her mamma! Like the children on Honey Boo Boo. Then things got really awkward when her sister no longer wanted to be a part of the conversation, but she was still there. Laura stepped away from the conversation but Clare continued to ask why she was just standing there. Laura The Lurker!!
Mamma did not speak the entire time, but she did however speak once she sat down with Juan Pablo. But turn of events, Mamma speaks fluent spanish. Yes her children call her mamma with a country twang but she really speaks spanish. Um, what? Mama hits it off with Juan Pablo and Clare no longer feels the need to have her older sisters approval anymore. Ah, yes, crazy crazy families.
At the rose ceremony it came down to Andi and Renee, but in the end the house mom was sent home. While it was so sad to see we all know that Renee can do so much better then Juan Pablo. She was the classiest woman this season and she may not be leaving the show with a man, but she is leaving with a new addition to her resume: Therapist.
Tomorrow night shit gets real as Juan Pablo continues to break down that language barrier. Yes, two months in and there is still trouble understanding certain phrases such as, "You're a douche!" Until tomorrow everyone!
Will Smith once sang, "I'm going to Miami." The remaining six sisters of Delta Bach and their leading man flew back to the states to Juan Pablos homeland of Miami. This week was filled with women doubting themselves, a woman meeting Juan Pabs baby momma and two women fighting about how neither of them pays for the hotel room they are currently staying in.
The trip back home for Juan Pablo started off by seeing his daughter and the rest of his family. Poor Camilla ran right into her fathers arms and placed a kiss on his lips. Honey, after you see what has happened so far in your fathers journey to find love, you will not want to kiss him for a very very long time. Or ever. After spending some time with his daughter el bachelor hung out with his cousin and told him about a few of the ladies. It was here where he told him that a woman named Sharleen could be, "The one." If you haven't rolled you eyes yet, don't worry, they will be rolling soon.
Back at the ladies new digs, they are all hoping that they all get one-on-one dates this week. The answer came sooner rather then later when Juan Pabs visited the ladies and delivered the date card himself. He excitedly gave it to Sharleen who just sat there and showed no emotion. Leave it to Chelsie to speak for the rest of the house and the audience who has been watching the past few weeks to say, "I just can't seem to figure out why they are in a relationship." Thank you Chelsie.
Sharleen and Juan Pablo continued the most awkward relationship ever broadcasted on television when they took their date to a yacht. It was here where they just made out the entire time while audio from Sharleen's interviews played in the background. It was here that she talked about how she sees herself with the bachelor, but at the same time she doesn't. She didnt feel ready to introduce him to her parents. As she continued to go back and forth with her feelings, Juan Pabs continued to talk about how wonderful Sharleen is.
After their time on the yacht, they had dinner and Sharleen expressed to him how she wish she "was dumber." Yes Sharleen we are all aware that you are way to smart to be a part of this dog and pony show but don't make the poor guy feel bad. You know so many more words then he does. After their extremely anti climatic date, Sharleen returns home to talk to House Mom Renee. Seriously they need to put Renee on The Bachelor pay roll because she has been doing more counseling then Chris Harrison this season. Sharleen expresses her doubts to the house mom, and like every good house mom should, Renee told her to really think about it because down the line she might regret her decision. Even though Renee was talking her off the edge, her and Sharleen both knew that the opera singer was more then on her way out the door.
The second one-on-one date this week went to Nikki The Nurse. Now after a few rough weeks of not playing very nice with the other girls, for example shit talking about people on group dates, her has been able to form a strong connection to Juan Pablo. It is so strong in fact that for her one-on-one date Juan Pabs brought Nikki to Camilla's dance recital to meet his daughter, his family and his baby momma...HOLD UP!
Apparently in Venezuela it is not uncommon to have the person you are dating meet your family right away. I mean from an American stand point, we do not introduce the person we are dating to our family unless there is a pregnancy scare or a death in the family. No one is gung-ho to introduce someone to the family, so in America unless those two scenarios happen the person we are dating continues to be a mystery to the family. This, however, is the world of The Bachelor. Juan Pabs is still three weeks out from introducing his final two women to the family let alone his daughter! I don't know how the Venezuelans do it, but Americans put everything off to the last possible second. Nothing like messing with your kids head and introducing her to all the different women you are dating Juan Pabs.
Nikki and Juan Pabs start at a flower store where they pick up the most wilted bouquet of flowers that the naked eye has ever seen. After that, they head over to Camillas dance recital where there are 20 children in black leotards, dance moms excited to be on a show that airs on prime time, Juan Pabs parents and his baby momma. Oh yes, this was in fact a family affair and a parted one if that. Juan Pabs parents sat in between Juan Pabs and his new woman and Juan Pablo's other woman. If anyone gets credit it would be Nikki The Nurse. If the guy I was dating threw me into the lions den of meeting his child's baby momma not even two months into the relationship I would have said something. But, in typical Nikki The Nurse optimism everything was perfect.
Camilla danced, the flowers that were meant for Camilla went to the baby momma, Nikki kissed Camilla and then told her that she tasted like Cheetos, and then the baby momma continued to throw some serious shade towards Nikki. Of course if you ask Juan Pablo he would have told you everything was perfect. Everything was awkward and everything hurt, well, for the audience at least.
After the dance recital Juan Pabs took Nikki to his "office". Nikki officially dubbed their date Juan Pabs hometown date because she was the one who was really stepping into his everyday life. His office just happened to be the baseball field where the Florida Marlins play. The two drove onto the filed, threw the ball around, and it was here where we are all grateful for boob tape. Seriously, we all know Nikki The Nurse likes to whore it up on group dates, but even on her one-on-ones she manages to find a way to make a statement. She wore and mini skirt and a white top that went straight down her chest. It looked like she was ready for a 70s disco. All of this aside, Nikki did ask some pressing questions like how is she supposed to fit into this family that Juan Pabs already has. He explained to her how he is still friends with Camilla's mom and Nikki asks if she is okay with this whole situation. Juan Pabs said of course she is, but come on. We all know the baby momma was not please about how that all went down. The two end the date in the ball park with a kiss and it is only a matter of time until the rest of Delta Bach find out that Nikki met the other girl in Juan Pabs life.
Back at the new sorority digs, the sisters of Delta Bach continue to pow wow in the living room. It is then that Sharleen comes in all fancy and tells the women that she is leaving. No one is really sad or surprised, and Sharleen quickly moves down the hall to break the news to el bachelor. The entire break up was odd because they were whispering the whole time. Sharleen also used the phrase how this whole thing is, "Excruciatingly hard." I don't know about you guys, but I was waiting for Juan Pabs to nod his head slowly and then ask, "What does that means?" Juan Pablo told her that everything was okay and that he was really sad to see her go. It was a clean and not dramatic break up, which is expected from a stone cold emotionless person like Sharleen. No real drama but Juan Pabs did shed a few tears. He had to shed a few tears, the woman who he thought could be the one just left. Us on the other hand were cheering. Buh bye!
The next day was the group date and this week it was Clare, Renee, Chelsie and Andi who were the chosen ones. They hopped on a plane that took them to their own private island and Juan Pabs spent alone time with each of them. This date had a lot riding on it though. This was the only date this week that had a rose on it, and whoever got that rose was going to continue on the date with him while the others board the plane back home.
Chelsie was the first one out of the gate on the group date and it was here that she really tried to pimp herself out for a hometown date. She brought out different letters that her family and friends wrote her and her and Juan Pabs had a good laugh. That was it because lets face it, Chelsie is not a serious one. Andi was next and their one-on-one time was spent with Andi on a beach wearing what looked like Joseph's Technicolor Dream Coat and crying about how uncertain she is about the current situation. Come on Andi, we all know you are way to smart and pretty to be on this show let alone act like this. Juan Pabs calms her down within seconds and then the two have another make out session on the beach. I have come to find that Juan Pablo really does not know what to say to these ladies, he just smothers them with kisses in hopes they stop talking English to him. Side Note: Juan Pabs was wearing water shoes the entire time. Thats equivalent to wearing crocs and we all have a problem with that.
The last person on this date was Crazy Clare. Clare really needed to dig deep into her well of sad stories if she wanted to get a hometown date, and of course she was able to come up with a little something. I'm surprised it took her this long to drop the whole dead dad DVD story. Remember that from the first week? Her dad made a DVD for Clare's future husband and no one has seen it, not even Clare. She is waiting for that special someone to see it and she hopes it Juan Pabs. The two kiss and Clare is certain that she is getting that rose.
SURPRISE CLARE! YOU ARE OUT AGAIN!! Andi got the rose and the two continued their date while the other three headed back to the house. Andi and Juan Pabs continued their date on the streets of Miami where Juan Pabs took her to a club and they danced to latin music. Andi can't dance, but none of that matters.
Back at the house the three ladies, who technically got kicked off the group date, came home and called upon Nikki who is keeping to herself upstairs in her room. Nikki comes down and Chelsie explains to her how the date worked and why they are there. Nikki found it funny that the mood in the room was shifted. Chelsie was laughing, Renee was just smiling and Clare looked "checked out." "Oh Im not checked out," said Clare. "Im just not going to sit here and be fake." Nikki did not press on that again and let it got but then Clare brings out more crazy and says, "Maybe Andi got the rose because she needs that reassurance." Basically saying how she is not confident blah blah blah. Nikki, annoyed at Clares comment, removes herself from the room and goes upstairs. Clare, wanting to continue to fight, follows her upstairs.
Are you guys all ready to loose some brain cells? As Clare moves upstairs, she then begins to pick a fight over nothing with Nikki. Nikki explained how she did not want to sit in a room of people who were talking shit about her friend. According to Clare no one was talking shit, but we all know Clare wanted to. Long story short Nikki had enough and told Clare that she does not like her, how they are never going to be friends, and that she can excuse herself from her room. Clare's big comeback, "Oh I can excuse myself?" Nikki then asks her, "Yes, do you sleep here?" Clare then says, "Did you pay for this room?" Nikki then says, "No did you?" like it was the dumbest question in the world. Clare said, "Exactly neither of us paid for this room. It's a common space." It was like watching six grade girls fight over a seat in the lunch room. Nikki got the last word in calling Clare, "bat shit crazy" and then followed up with, "Clare is like a dog. She peed on him first. The problem is she claimed territory that might not be hers." Bingo Nikki The Nurse.
What did we all learn from this fight? Well we learned that Clare was totally not talking shit, that neither of the girls pays for the hotel rooms they stay in, that Clare hates to be interrupted, that the place they stay in is in fact a common space, Clare is absolutely bat shit crazy and Nikki totally won that thing that was considered a fight. Everyone can go about their everyday lives now because we know this kind of information.
The cattiness spilled over to the cocktail party where Nikki and Clare find themselves sitting in silence, by themselves, for a good while. Nikki sat like a statue, while Clare looked off into the distance hoping that Nikki would make some sort of statement towards her. "I just don't think Nikki is mature enough for this type of relationship," Clare said spitefully. "I understand if its slim pickens but its not." I'm sorry Clare, did you get to meet Camilla? Juan Pabs knows you are too crazy for a situation like that. Clare would have probably tried to fight the baby momma because she would have given her a dirty look. Side note: During her one-on-one time with Juan Pabs at the cocktail party, Crazy Clare mentioned that she is the last of her five sisters to get married. Gee, I wonder why that is!
Chelsie was the one who was sent home which was no surprise. Juan Pabs really liked her and she really liked him and it was sad to see her go. She was another one who spoke highly of Juan Pablo and bowed out gracefully. Next week is a two night bachelor event full of drama, disapproving parents, tears, fantasy date nights go wrong, and more tears!
Also for a bonus video this week, members of The Roots on The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon recreate the fight scene between Clare and Nikki. The bit starts at 40 second in. Quest Love as Clare and Turiq as Nikki fight better then the actual Clare and Nikki.
Welcome to Recap with Lauren. My name is Lauren if you couldn't already tell. I put a lot of nonsense on here. I have no business giving you fashion advice but if you need a recommendation for a good bottle of wine or coffee I'm your girl!