The first one-on-date went to Clare who was just so excited to have her first real date with her possibly future husband. She openly said it sounded crazy, so that put me at ease that at least she realized that. Now I liked Clare the first night, but I can't figure her out. She is way to happy to be in the presence of Juan Pablo, and she even has started calling him JP to the other girls. Yeah, stop that. Right now.
Anyway, Juan Pabs blindfolds her, puts her in a car, and they begin to drive off to their date. Its during this car ride that Clare says things like, "All I can do is smell him. And he smells really good!" Does he use Old Spice? Axe Body Spray? Come on Clare, just tell us what the hot Venezuelan smells like.
Juan Pablo talks about how he can't wait to surprise all the girls, and he sure as hell surprised Clare. I mean really was she not expecting something extravagant? It's The Bachelor. He's not going to take you to a McDonalds, get you something off the dollar menu, and then attempt to feel you up in his car.
Only the producers of this show can turn a hot day in Los Angeles into a winter wonderland. The two love birds got to go sledding, ice skating, and whatever else you want to do in the snow. Of course its not a real date on this show if a hot tub isn't involved. While in the hot tub Clare told Juan Pablo all about her dad. Now here is the problem with all of this. It's the first date why the hell are you airing out all of your daddy issues? Now Clare's dad did pass away years ago and that is extremely sad, but she has to tell him this on the first date? In a hot tub? Come on, wait until a candle lit dinner on a bridge to play that card.
The date was kind of a snooze fest, and Clare got the rose. She made out with Juan Pablo, and then the two danced in their bathing suites, in the snow, to some unknown artists that no one knows. The whole thing was a little awkward to watch, and so far I'm not a team Clare advocate.
The best quote from this date was when Clare kissed Juan Pablo and then told him, "You taste like snow!" WOW. So he taste like water!? Seriously where do the producers find these girls!!
Now the second one-on-one date was better. And all I have to say is, you know he likes you when you get a private jet. Kat was the lucky girl who got to board the jet, and the two flew to Salt Lake City to take part in the Electric Run. For those of you who may not know, the Electric Run is basically a huge rave where no one is on drugs because everyone is in shape and they just want to run in neon colors. If my first date was a 5k I would have had to sit Juan Pablo down and explain to him that the only time I work out is once every five months when I want to try the elliptical for a half hour.
This date showed us though why Juan Pablo is the greatest bachelor to ever grace this show. He is so into the whole experience. His actions are extremely genuine, and at the end of the day he just wants to have fun with whatever girl he has there. His facial expressions also provide laugh out loud moments. In past seasons we only laugh at the bachelor during the blooper reel during The Women Tell All special. Juan Pabs is the best. Case closed.
Kat and Juan Pablo danced, sang, cheered, I guess ran a little, and no drugs were involved. Although the way Juan Pablo was acting it wouldn't surprise me if he popped a molly. She got a rose, and on to the group date Juan Pablo went.
The group date gave thirteen girls the chance to hang out with el bachelor. Their date consisted of a photo shoot for charity that helped dogs get adopted. Its a really cute idea and all the girls were excited. We have to be realistic here people. If the producers gave them a date where they all had to clean toilets, I'm pretty sure the same enthusiasm would arise. These girls will do anything.
Many girls got to dress in beautiful dresses, and pose with the pups and the bachelor. Others like Kelly, or as I will call her ceiling eyes (Audrina from The Hills anyone?), was painted to look like a dog. Yes, the girl had to put on a bald cap and they made her look just like a dog. Her occupation is a dog lover so if anyone had to do it it was going to be her. Others were given a fire hydrant costume, pajamas, and then there were the girls who were only given a sign to cover them up. Yes, a sign.
Now my girl Andi, seriously she will make it to the end, was nervous about only wearing a sign. Like she said, "I send people to jail for a living. I only brought a one piece bathing suit!" Don't worry legal girl, Juan Pablo is here to save the day. He went to talk to her about it, and the two shared the most easy going conversation of the entire episode. Seriously, I love them. Lets just jump ahead to March so I can see them get engaged. Shockingly enough Andi stripped down, wore the sign, and the rest is history. Leave it to Juan to get the ladies naked.
After the date, the girls and el bachelor went to the roof top after party. Once again this is The Bachelor. Rooftop parties and hot tubs are a must. It is here that things got a little, as Juan Pablo will say, "loco". We all know that this show is nothing but ex sorority girls who just want to have fun, hopefully find love for a few months, and want free booze. Every year there is one girl who does not let that opportunity get away from her. This season it's a girl named Victoria.
Nikki the nurse told Victoria that maybe she needs to just "tone it down a little". Yeah, thats what every drunk person wants to hear. Victoria told her that she was fine and that, "this is how I am sober. I'm fun sober." Oh, thanks for informing us of that.
So while boozy continues to down a few drinks, Juan Pablo begins talking to all the women. It's during his time with Nikki the nurse that Victoria thinks that it's her time to talk to Juan Pablo. Victoria stumbles over like a baby learning to walk, and finds Juan Pablo and the nurse chatting. That is clearly a trigger and Victoria runs off crying.
It is here that the producers piece together Victoria's interview during the date, before the drunk girl break down, that provided us with moments that made us realize just why we all watch this show.
"Im not a dog-Im just a bitch"
"That's what life is about...straddling people...and things."
And my personal favorite..."I want to give Juan Pablo the hymen maneuver."
Now Renee is the single mom who is the classiest lady to ever grace this show. She has a few more miles on her then all the other women, being 32, so she is basically a house mom to all of these drunk girls. The house mom goes into the bathroom and finds Victoria locked in a bathroom stall screaming crying that she hates Juan Pablo. This girl just needs to take a breath and eat a bacon egg and cheese.
Leave it to the producers to try and wrangle up the drunk girl, but Victoria declares that she is done and wants to go home. Done. This bitch has had it.
Juan Pablo, being the gentleman that he is, tells the other girls that he is not mad at Victoria and that he understands how difficult this process is. The producers put the crazy in a hotel for the night, and Juan Pablo goes to see her the next morning. In the typical 'morning after breakdown speech', Victoria does apologize for her behavior and says that she's sorry for, "setting off the crazy train." It was as if she was taking to one of her girlfriends, and was apologizing for hooking up with their boyfriend. I have seen a five year old give a more sincere apology. Juan Pablo 'assepts' her apology, but he has to let her go. Buh bye.
The rose ceremony was just another huge snooze fest, but don't worry there were tears. Single mom Cassandra cried to the house mom about how difficult it is to be away from her son. Lets have a chat about Cassandra for a second. She is a single mom at 21, and is a former NBA dancer. So does that mean that she is retired? She accomplished a lot before 21, it's just that I have some questions about those accomplishments. Once again leave it to Juan Pablo to relate to the single mom, and talk about hard it is to be away from a child. The whole interaction was sweet, but I don't understand why he is keeping around someone who is 11 years younger then him. You do you man, rock that cradle!
Amy the odd television reporter, and Chantel where the ones who were shown the door this week. Nothing to be broken up about kids. Next week will be here before you know it.
Here are some honorable mentions from this week:
-Two girls saw the 'little Juan'. Well, lets all hope its not little.
-Kelly, the professional dog lover, dog Molly is basically a contestant. The dog swims in the pool, has her own bed, is in interviews, and shows up to rose ceremonies. If that dog could talk right?
-Everyone is naked, well, maybe just Lucy. Lucy has already dubbed herself a free spirt, and she is always talking about being naked. This episode we saw her walking down the street in her birthday suit walking a dog. Thats cable for you folks.
-The photo shoot coordinator on the group date had a blue beard, and he was kind of an ass. If the girls don't want to be naked, give them something else. Not everyone is a Lucy.