After arriving at a place that was, as one of the girls put it, "So full of nature," the women unpacked their bags and got settled into their lavish new digs. They all took in the breathtaking sites, but they really couldn't enjoy it all that much because a one-on-one date card was looming in their air. Who would be the lucky lady to leave the rest of the sorority girls for the day? House mom Renee!
Finally the house mom got recognized for her amazing skills at babysitting crying twenty somethings, and her reward is a day with Juan. Renee was so excited that the only way she could describe her excitement was this line, "He makes my hands hurt a little. Like my hands sweat when I think about it." Alright, not a very normal feeling, but we all love the house mom so lets just go with it.
Their date is spent on the streets of Vietnam taking in the culture. They ate some food, bought gifts for their kids, tried to talk to the locals and then Juan took Renee to get fitted for a dress. Renee's date card said "Are we the right fit?" so obviously Juan would take her to get a custom made dress made of heavy material that she then has to wear in the 500 degree weather of Vietnam. Hey, if you last in that dress for him you guys will obviously last forever. As Renee was getting fitted for her dress, the seamstress measured her bust as Juan sits there with googly eyes. "You are a 38!" He says raising an eyebrow. Fun fact: The man still doesn't know certain words in English, but he knows his bra sizes.
The only problem with this date is that Renee could not give a crap about the custom made dress. Girl wants something else from Juan Pablo, and that something is a kiss. The poor girl has stuck it out for five weeks watching all of the other women go on dates and watching him make out with other girls. This guy still won't kiss her because she has a son and does not want her son mad at him. Renee of course is a classy lady and said that if a kiss doesn't happen its okay. "Actually its not okay," she says right after she says it's okay. Girl, none of this is okay. You are still in the friend zone.
Renee wears her dress to dinner and the two of them were dripping in sweat. You could see how hot they were through the television screen. Renee tells Juan Pabs how hot she is and he leans in and blows on her face. Aside from English, Juan Pabs also does not know common sense. Sure Juan Pabs lets blow this hot air with your hot air onto her face, that will cool her down. This dumb act had the makings of a first kiss move, but Juan made it clear that it was not going to happen. He plans on taking it slow. Renee still gets a rose, but sadly still no kiss!
The next day was the dreaded group date. Last week it was Nikki The Nurse who was whining about group dates and not having enough time, but this week it was Andi. "What am I doing here if I'm not getting a one-on-one date?" Umm obviously hanging out with the rest of the sorority sisters, painting each others nails, and wondering just how big the 'Little Juan' is. That is what you are doing here Andi.
The group date began with a traditional Vietnamese boat ride, which was really paddling on a raft. Juan Pabs told everyone to partner up for two in a boat, and for the first time Crazy Clare not having any friends worked to her advantage. The rest of the bigs got with their littles, and the crazy one got to paddle with Juan Pabs. How convenient is it that as they were paddling they got stuck in some bushes by the edge of the river and that was a good time for Clare and Juan Pablo to start going at it. Juan Pablo is the first bachelor in a while to not respect the fact that there are other women on this date, and guess what Juan...they are pissed as hell. The other women all banned together and decided that they were just decorations on Clare's one-on-one date. That is exactly what Clare wants ladies.
After the boat ride, the women and Juan Pabs began to wonder down a dirt road until they came across a little man standing in front of the house. The ladies thought that Juan Pabs was just being nice and chatting with the old man, but then he invited them inside. The ladies then put on hats, were given a straw bowl and a knife, and were told to go out onto the farm and pick out fruits and vegetables for dinner. Wonder if that counts towards their philanthropy work for their sorority Delta Bach?
Fast forward to the cocktail party where Clare and Juan's one-on-one date continued. After spending most of the day with Clare, Juan chose her first to talk to at the cocktail party. The rest of Delta Bach were extremely confused since a lot of them only said hello to him that morning and that was it. Now Clare gets to spend more time while they all sit and stare at one another? Not cool Juan Pabs. You know what makes that worse? Bringing a girl to your suite while you have eight other girls waiting for you downstairs. Oh yeah, Hurricane Bachelor was just picking up speed at this point. Before the audience even knew it, the two were stripped down into their bathing suits and were canoodling in the jacuzzi. Clare then gushes that, "He's melting the ice queen." Again, Juan Pabs, what in the hell do you see in this girl? God, and the producers, only know how long that nonsense lasted, but Juan remembered that he had eight other women waiting for him and maybe he should go down and talk to them.
Sharleen is still around for some weird reason, and this week she is really hoping that, "He sees me as a panda in a room full of brown bears." Here's to hoping that he can figure that little riddle out. Andi was another one who received a nice one-on- one time with Juan. After seeing how upset she was during the day, Juan takes her down to the beach where they have a huge make out session. Nothing like a good make out session on national TV to help clear up some blurred lines. Andi gives us all another reason to like her when she says, "Sucking face again. Sorry mom, another episode you can't watch!" No Andi, your mom will have no problem watching this, it's Clare's mom that might want to turn the TV off now.
Clare receives the group date rose and the rest of Delta Bach is pissed. Once they all arrived back home, Clare starts putting the rose in peoples faces to smell. Bitch, the rose is FAKE! Enough! Everyone talks about how tired they are, everyone except Clare. Clare wants to go swimming in the ocean, but she wants her leading man to join her. Clare fakes going to bed, and then sneaks out to see Juan. Is that a 4 A.M. booty call I hear?
Juan is shocked to see Clare outside his door, but he is down to go swimming in the ocean. All Clare wants is to swim in a warm ocean, and Juan will fulfill that for her. Oh he fills her alright. As the waves crashed upon them, Juan talks about how Clare is on fire, and Clare keeps talking about the ocean and it's not hard to crack this code. They were banging in the ocean. Thats right, in Vietnam, in probably contaminated water, there they were. Lets hope the producers took out extra insurance money to help get these girls tested for any STDs or other infections. Clare explained to the camera that, "I just let go of all of my fear!" Honey, lets not fail to mention that you also let go of your bikini bottoms and any shred of dignity you had left. You just banged the bachelor on national TV, but hey you let go of your fear. Good for you.
After the two did the deed, there is footage of them walking out of the ocean. Clare explains her experience as the following, "I just felt like a baby giraffe like after its born and has wobbly legs. It takes a minute to process everything." Here is what is taking me a minute to process...just how the hell you two pulled that off. Lets have a chat for a minute-those waves were ridiculous and they were bouncing around everywhere. I mean we all know Juan has great leg muscles from soccer but damn they must be strong in order to be able to do what they did and be satisfied with it. I am sure Juan's daughter is not please about this and is probably getting teased in preschool about how her daddy banged some crazy lady, in an ocean, on national television. Side Note: He won't kiss Renee, but he will bang Clare in the ocean? That seems fair.
The next day Juan is coming off of a huge high from Clare and he tells the audience that she is on his mind. Get your head out of the gutter Juan because you have a date with Nikki The Nurse today. After last week Nikki The Nurse left a bad taste in everyone's mouth and this was her chance to redeem herself. Here is the deal Nikki The Nurse, we will like anyone after what we just witnessed go down with Clare and Juan. You got lucky that you are following that act.
Her date card read, "Hell of a good time!" Naturally Nikki thought it had to do with fire. WRONG. Nikki The Nurse got an amazing date of descending down into a cave called Hell. Nikki is afraid of heights and does not want to go into the cave. Insert five minutes of Nikki talking about how descending into a cave is like falling in love...heard it before. She then says, "I'm taking a risk for love. I live, I die, or I poop my pants." Well put Nikki The Nurse, well put.
Nikki lets go of her fear, like Clare did but in a completely different way of course, and repels down into the cave with Juan. It took them hours, but she did it. This date had the makings of 27 Hours, but luckily everyone made it out safe. There are no casualties in the land of The Bachelor. After they repelled into the cave, then then went to a different cave to talk about their feelings. Nikki opened up to him about why she became a nurse and why she is now ready to be with someone who has a kid. Nikki The Nurse gets a rose and Juan is probably still thinking about Clare.
The cocktail party before the rose ceremony started off with a weird vibe. Everyone was quiet as well as Juan. He asked if someone would make a toast for the night, and of course his new sex buddy jumped at the chance. Clare raised her glass and said, "Here is to finding love, being loved and making love!" Great speech Clare, really, well put.
Juan Pabs spent some one-on-one time with the ladies and during his time with Renee he finally kissed her. FINALLY!! The house mom gets thrown a bone!! She was happy, really really happy, and Juan was just like, 'Alright I have to talk to Clare.'
There is a reason why Clare is 32 and on this show. And its because she's a straight up crazy. Juan talks to her and of course she is all 'oh how are you let me touch you and love you and blah blah blah.' It is here that Juan throws a wrench into all of those feelings and basically tells her that he should not have done what he did in the ocean. Clares face drops and the crazy train has now officially left the station. She tells him that she wanted to do something she would have done if the cameras or the other girls were not around. Juan tells her they are not in that situation and you can hear the burn.
Even though it was a mutual decision Juan tells her that he is not playing fair. Exactly, it would be playing fair if you were banging all the other girls, but you are not. Clare tries to tell him that it shouldn't be about playing fair it should be about how you feel. Juan then tells her he did not want to take away the emotion she had that night. Hold up! Typical man right here! Now Clare may be crazy, but Juan is dead wrong. If you knew it would cause problems you would not have done it! Clare knew what she was doing. She said it takes a lot for her to "open up," but we all know that is not true. Juan on the other hand should have known that his daughter will be watching this, and that is what he tells Clare. He does not want Camilla to be disappointed in him. Blah Blah Blah. He is starting to use Camilla as a cop out for bad and embarrassing actions.
The rest of the cocktail party was spent by the rest of Delta Bach trying to figure out just what is wrong. Clare cries, Juan is confused, and then the rose ceremony. Alli, Danielle and Kelly were sent home. Kelly being sent home is a dagger in the heart. Where are all of the passive aggressive comments going to come from now?
Next week Juan Pabs and the rest of Delta Bach jet off to New Zealand. I'm predicting talk of what happened in the ocean will be the topic of discussion, but on the other hand I hope its not.
Another side note: During The Women Tell All Special, I really think that it would be great if Camilla joins the girls to talk about Juan Pablo. He is so concerned with her being disappointed in him, I feel like she would be doing the audience a solid if she just answered that question. She's four, she can form her own opinions.
UPDATE: Days following this episode Clare went public and declared that she and Juan Pablo did not have sex in the ocean. Yeah...okay!